Thursday, 26 June 2014

Zan's PhD: Growing Pains

I'm finally ready to declare that I'm PhD-ing for realsies. The reality of it is, I've been shying away from my PhD, scared of it entirely and cringing every time someone mentions that I'm working towards a doctorate. But over the past 3 weeks, I've been working hard, typing out the thoughts and things I've read over the past few months. It's taking a long time, and keeps leading to more reading and more typing, but you know what? I'm kind of enjoying it. 

And if you're reading this, Fraser, I haven't done nearly enough work, I'm sorry. But I know what I need to do now, and it's happening!

It's growing gradually, and right now it's at a really ugly phase with things like REFERENCE THIS written halfway through a sentence. I am not worried though, because I've finally found my confidence after many many months of fearing writing. I genuinely believed for a long time that I was not good enough to inject my knowledge into the academic world, but I had to remind myself time and time again that if Fraser thinks I'm good enough, then I must be. Eeeeek!

It's not pretty, but it's happening, and hopefully I will grow something shiney and lovely out of it, even if the process has dragged me backwards through the hedges. 

Something about this flower reminds me of the state I feel right now. It might be the unusual quality of the bloom, or the spikeyness of those little long bits. It's not my favourite: it's not a rose, but it's definitely a flower, and it's definitely blooming! :)

I'm fearful of what happens now, but I'm excited all the same. It's been a year and a bit since I started my PhD but it kinda feels like it's only just started now. And I like it. More to come soon!

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